Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
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