they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
