Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
