these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
