Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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