pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
