im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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