i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Such a big mess for such a small penis
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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