i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
