I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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