What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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