I think I died a long time ago.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
