I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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