Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
