her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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