we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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