I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Randomize
