Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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