I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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