next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
