I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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