Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
