You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
