when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
What drink are we having for lunch?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
