My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
