We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
