I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
