Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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