was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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