Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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