yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
