I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
