Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
