the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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