tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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