she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
