Just fell off a train. Bad.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
