You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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