my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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