my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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