i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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