Betty ford says i'm here all night
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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