Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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