If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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