I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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