at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
