I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
