I can text with my tongue
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Randomize
