He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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