Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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