This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
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