and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
